How Do I Talk To Small Children About Loss?
Again, this is one of the main questions that we, as funeral directors, get asked on a regular basis. There are many excellent resources available for discussing death in an age-appropriate, and constructive way, as well as many community resources to further supplement your own discussions.
Thankfully, we have not had any major losses in our family that I have had to have this conversation with my son, but given the nature of my career, we have had many conversations about what it means to die, and similar topics. Personally, I have chosen to always have honest conversations about death with him. I feel that he has a very good grasp on the notion of losing someone, and that this is normal and unfortunately will happen to everyone at some point. He understands that no matter how much we may not like it, it isn't always the elderly that pass away, but sometimes young people do as well. I believe that though these honest conversations, he has gained a respect for life, as well as an understanding that although we never want to lose someone we love, it is also not a scary time, but rather a time to celebrate our loved one.
Fred Rogers, in Talking With Young Children About Death, states that "It's natural to want to protect our children from the pain and sadness, even to the point of not wanting to tell them about a death in the family." However, he continues, "Children are able to sense when the climate of their environment has changed. Feeling excluded can lead children to misinterpret what is going on." When children have unanswered questions, they will often make up their own explanations, and often, those explanations can be much scarier than reality. Rogers believes that the best "protection" that we can give children in these difficult times is to provide them with simple and clear answers to their questions, and ample time to ask those questions. He suggests using phrases such as, "No one knows why, but I believe....", or "You know, I wonder about that sometimes too."
Reassuring children that grown ups are also faced with feelings such as anger, sadness, confusion, as well as other emotions is also important. If children feel that their emotions are out of place or that they are alone in feeling them, they may be reluctant to speak about their thoughts. Rogers also suggests a variety of activities such as play, drawing, singing, or role playing to allow children to express themselves as well.
As parents we naturally want to do always do the "right thing" for our children, but when combating the difficult situations that loss often puts us in, there may never be a clear "right answer." Each family knows their situation the best, and knows what is ultimately best for their family.
Additional Resources:
The Invisible Sting by Patrice Karst
The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
Ida, Always by Caron Levis
Talking to kids about death & dying by Dr. Mary Fleck
Sad Isn't Bad Support Group for Children and Their Caretakers
